The child needs to be raised and nurtured in a way that will help him; when he gets to the right age to be prepared to take on mature responsibilities. Does that make sense? Every stage he takes on greater responsibility so that he is prepared and ready to take on what is expected of him, not only by society but more importantly by God.
Single mothers, if it is not possible for your children to spend time with the father, then find men that you truly respect and allow your son some quality time with them when this man is doing something useful. Don’t feel pressure to find another husband or man for both you and your children. This desire can lead to obvious challenges and usually you will decide on a man that is more for you than for the child or more for the child than for you. Both can lead to problems; and now the problem will now affect three or more lives.
Instead, realize that there are several respectable men that can show your son diverse quality things. This diversity will help your son to decipher wisdom from various places, and learn different styles. It will also allow your son the opportunity to ask several questions and allow your son the opportunity to choose whom your son respects more for himself. Be careful to limit the time being spent to be with this respectable man when he is doing something useful. This man is not their father so your son should not be thrust on them. And just because you respect this man, does not mean that you agree with all of his views, so you do not want your son sitting and gaining each one of these various men’s philosophies.
Finally, single mothers remember that these men-children are not your husbands! Do not just give your sons the father’s responsibilities. Please use wisdom. Pray for wisdom and use it. Your sons have a separate purpose, mission and vision from God. Don’t force your own agenda on him. Everyone, make sure you are raising your sons to be teaching fathers, loving husbands, men that hears and obeys Gods voice. I have key verses to help anyone with that as well." Sister Kelly's tone is very stern.
“A lot of men's reckless behavior is condoned by their mother’s. Do not be that awful mother that is ruining not only your son, but also another woman who is depending on your son and your future grandbabies lives. Men running out on their wives, or hitting or cheating or not providing for their wives should never be condoned. It does not matter if you like the girl he is with or not.
Remember that society’s views of women taking care of the kids while the men are able to leave for whatever reasons, too many times start with the men’s families condoning his behavior. It is not right for a mother to abandon her family nor is it proper or acceptable for fathers." Sister Kelly turns about sharply and states. "We women need to remember that there are cycles that we can control to the best of our ability. Write this down, ‘it all starts with the child.’ It all starts with one.” Sister Kelly reaches for her chair and sits back down.
"We complain about things, but what will your child’s complaints be. Are you really spending time with you kids like God is doing with Adam? The next thing I say I want you to meditate and write this down if you have a son. If God almighty spent quality time with Adam and Adam still chose to sin, then what do you think will happen to your children, especially the little boys?” This comment took several woman by surprise as they contemplated her words. “You wish that your husband or even boyfriends mothers have raised them right. Well what type of job are you doing? Are you putting your needs before theirs?
Moreover, I am not talking about giving them what they want; I am talking about giving them what they need. Do not be the person who wants a man to be different and then given a chance with a male child do nothing with it like the man with one talent in the 25 chapter of Matthew. He was given a chance to shine and instead he did nothing with it. When you are blessed with a man, especially a man child, don't waste your time concentrating and spending all of your time, money and energy on something or someone else--including and especially an unloving, and or non providing father." Sister Kelly's expression is solemn.
Okay let me get back to some of the foundations regarding marriage. Man was commanded to work. Therefore, it is obvious that a man should always work.” Several women start clapping and cheering. Sister Kelly smiles then adds, “But my dear ladies, that also means that you should also work. If God made man in his image and He set it up giving the command for man to be like him through working then that means you should always be working too.” Some of the same women that clapped earlier playfully frowned up.
“Now, that does not mean that you should do the same work, but it does mean that you should not be sitting around not accomplishing nothing. You’ve heard that idle hands are the devils worship, well, when women do not work, women start to use their talents for things like spreading gossip, nagging, and getting way too involved in others lives. I am not trying to spoil your retirement plans, but your desire to not work is not very wise. Instead like my wise husband always says, ‘keep yourself useful!’ Do something that is for the greater good at all times. Don’t desire laziness, to just lay around and do nothing, your body will have plenty of time doing this when it’s dead.
Okay now the next question is where should you start? Well that depends on where you are in your life. If you are single, work on your relationship with your parent, God the father. If you are married without children, love your husband and concentrate on your understanding of God the father. If you are married with children, then love your husband, concentrate on raising your kids to have a relationship with God the father, and always remember to build on your personal relationship with God. If you are not married with children, then simultaneously build on your and your child’s relationship with the heavenly father."
“If you are like so many of us, wanting to know how to be the woman that your husband or future mate wants. The answer to this is short and obvious. It is very wise to work with the facts that I have told you and to go to God for the specific details on your particular man and of course watching, interacting and communicating with him. Make sure you are lining up in God in your various desires and be the woman you know, you should be. As you line up with your desires to believe, know and love the lord you will know what you should be doing at all times.
These are some of the secrets that you should meditate on to gain the perfect marriage.” Sister Kelly smiles and looks at the door of the fellowship hall where Deacon Kelly stood. There he is, a tall, well kept older gentlemen, who is well respected and loved. Just by looking at him, you can tell that he was quite a looker in his day, since he is still a looker today. As is his custom, without showing his teeth he smiles, as he eyes let everyone know that he is personally acknowledging everyone. With a deep baritone masculine voice he slowly says, “Good Evening!” Lovingly looking at Sister Kelly he lowers his head in a tilting nod then turns around and walks away. The genuine love and affection is written all over her face. Everyone in the room can not help but to smile as well. That moment right there confirmed everything that Sister Kelly has stated. Deacon Kelly and Sister Kelly are like unicorns—beautiful and mythical in nature and although you don’t think they exist you can not help but to want to see one to experience its magnificent beauty.
Reaffirming the moment Sister Kelly sang out like a school girl, "I love that man." Everyone laughs. "As I said when we first started, I can not stay here this evening." The audience groans not wanting her to leave. "Beloved, I was supposed to be gone 4 hours ago. I have not slept in 38 hours. As most of you know, I have been at the hospital with the late Sister Lee and her entire family. I will have to answer any questions that you have next week, but I'll see you all tomorrow.
Out of respect, everyone stands and cheers their goodbyes with clapping and well wishes, as Sister Kelly leaves the room. Teri's mind is spinning with everything that she has just heard. She, like many others, begin writing down the scriptures Sister Kelly wrote on the board.
"Aren't you glad that you came," Ginny, the lady that handed her the pen and paper said standing over her. "I haven't seen you here before. Did you say that your name is Teri?" Teri nods as she writes down the last verse. "We tend to stay here late. Sometimes until two in the morning, but tonight I really should go. I just wanted to say that I'm glad that you came." Teri smiles and hands her back her pen, which is engraved. "Thanks!" Teri can tell that this is quite an expensive pen.
Ginny smiles and says, "Keep it. Is this your son?" Little Christopher is looking up at Ginny and holding on to her leg. Teri nods as she finishes putting her things together. When Teri sees Ginny lovingly picking Christopher up, Teri finally verbally responds. "Yeah, he is mine. His name is Christopher, and it’s way past his bedtime." Christopher holds Ginny tight, as if he really knew and loved her, then he leaned in to place a wet kiss on her cheek. Teri tries to grab him before he can plant his kiss, but it is too late.
"Oh I'm sorry, he doesn't have the concept of closing his mouth" Teri exclaims as she reaches for a tissue to hand to Ginny. "Oh my goodness! He must really like me!" Grinning from ear to ear, Ginny just squeezes him back. Still holding the tissue, Teri tries to reach for Christopher, but Ginny's eyes are closed and they are still mashed together hugging. They look commercialized; like they should be on TV or in a magazine. Teri is taken with surprise as she watch their embrace that is noticeably full of love. Putting the tissue back since neither one of them seemed bothered or in need of it, she just watches them.
"He is just adorable!" Ginny exclaims still hugging him. "Does he do this with everyone? No wait don't tell me, I want to cherish this moment more." Ginny says as she begins to laugh. Christopher finally lets her go and is now staring at her as if studying her features. "I hope you like what you see, cuz I love you already." As if he perceived what she said, Christopher gives her another hug. Ginny smiles and hugs him back. Then Christopher not only loosens his hug but all of his muscles and joints as he makes it clear that he wants to get down.
"I guess he has had enough," Teri concluded as they both watch him wobble back over to the other kids. Ginny is beaming. "I hope not, because from now on I am going to search him out." Ginny sits back down in the chair ahead of Teri and asks, "So what brought you here? Our group is always growing, but usually it's because someone brought that person here."
Out of all of the questions, this is the only one Teri did not want to answer. Turning away making sure she has everything so she can leave quickly, she quickly answers, "Oh Sue told me." Reaching for Christopher's diaper bag, Teri is ready to go. "Oh you know Sue," Ginny says as she looks around and stands up. Knowing what is about to happen, Teri grabs everything else as quickly as she can and turns around to get Christopher. Snatching him up she hears, "Sue come over here." Closing her eyes Teri knew the inevitable is about to happen. Teri can not stop herself from murmuring in her head, "God, I thought she wasn't able to make it anymore." Not knowing where Sue is, even though everything within her says she is either near the entrance or right behind her, Teri tires to think of an appropriate exit strategy.
"Oh hi Ginny! I'm glad that you were able to make it. How's the family?" Sue says as she excuses herself and heads on over. "Oh everyone is fine now, but dad is still taking it pretty hard." Ginny responds.
Turning about Teri shakes her head, "Just like I thought, she is near the exit," not wanting to appear like she is running away, even though she is, Teri does what every desperate mother does--Start blaming the baby! She turns around with her full attention on Christopher.
"It’s your bed time you must be so sleepy!" She tries to cradle him, but in the code of every child Christopher makes it completely clear that he wants to get down. Teri tries to hold him tighter. Aware that they just look like they are fighting Teri quickly says, "I have to change your diaper!" This did not move Christopher, so Teri finally puts him down and he immediately stops his hurtful cry and wobbles back. Teri watches him leave thinking to herself, ‘traitor!’
"Hello Sue! It's so good to see you. Can you believe everything that is happening at work?" Teri says as Sue approaches trying to monopolize the conversation, so she can steer it away from her. When Sue finally makes it over, immediately she and Ginny hug, squeezing each other tight as they slightly rocked back in forth. Teri rolls her eyes thinking this is the huggyest church. What’s wrong with these people? Still embracing, Sue begins whispering things in Ginny's ear. Teri holds the diaper bag close, hoping to use it as an obstacle so that she will not have to participate in all of the affection.
"Your mother was a really good woman," Sue says when they let each other go. "Thanks this has been really hard on me and my father." Ginny says in a soft voice with her head down. "Well just like I told you at her funeral, I am there for you. And I am not just saying that. As a matter of fact I am planning on coming over everyday next week to help cook and clean. I know a lot of people have been around, but usually by the second week things can calm down and when things go back to normal it is really hard, because there are no more obligations except to mourn. And I want to be there if you need anything—Anything!"
Sue shifts her gaze and nods an acknowledgement to Teri. Ginny just keeps her head down. "Don't you have any tissue in that diaper bag Teri?" Sue asks as she hugs Ginny again. Teri promptly pulls out a couple of napkins and hands it to her. Ginny wiped her face, and is embraced by others. A crowd is gathering around her all wanting to provide comfort.
Everyone takes turns giving her kind-hearted advice, compassionate words or remind her of thoughtful and even funny stories regarding her mother as they each hug her. By the time the last person speaks the feeling in the room is becoming more upbeat, and full of love. Ginny still holding the hand of the last person who hugged her says, "I was trying to leave early tonight, so that I will not bring anyone's mood down. I'm glad that I stayed because I really enjoyed this." Joyful tears start to swell up in her eyes, as she continues. "I now know the importance of being surrounded with good people. When you’re down and out it is easy for people to desert you. Everyone has problems, why should they concentrate on yours, when they can be dealing with their own. But having friends like every one of you, makes me stronger and gives me hope. Thank you!"
Sue laughs, "Well I'm glad that you said that, because like I said earlier, I am going to be at your beck and call next week." Then another woman says, "And I'll be there the following week." Another woman calls out the following week when Sue jumps back in. "We have all picked weeks to help you along. So it's a good thing that you want us around." Everyone starts laughing including Ginny. The rest of the night everyone talked about their excitement for the women's day get together tomorrow.
Sitting there watching everything Teri can not help but to feel the painful awareness of her divorce. On the drive back home her longing for love that Ginny received is very apparent. Right before the divorce, when things had gotten so bad at home, Teri stopped returning phone calls from her friends trying to concentrate on her failing marriage. It has been 4 months, and besides a few attempts from a couple of her friends, the phone stopped ringing. So consumed in her situation, Teri hadn't noticed until this week.
Tears swelled in her eyes as she realized that she has been abandoned by everyone. Right then Teri decided to go to the retreat tomorrow. The rest of the night Teri threw herself her own private pity party. Teri made sure that she invited sadness, sorrow, unhappiness, depression, misery, anger, and vengeance as her special guests and they all were able to be in attendance. With their beverage of choice hosting the party, they helped Teri complain and drown everything out.
Teri awoke abruptly from the sound of Christopher's wailing. Disoriented Teri tries to get to her screaming child. On her way upstairs she stumps her toe, and falls three different times, once going up the stairs. By the time she is finally able to come to his rescue. Christopher has fallen and gotten trapped between her dresser and his playpen. Usually she would have been asleep next to him, which would have stopped Christopher from rolling off the bed. Quickly she picks him up; his face is covered with blood. Panicked she takes him to the bathroom to clean him off. Her mind still liquor infected, lingers on the bill if she has to take him to the hospital, and how she will be able to pay for it, if she loses her job.
After clearing off some of the blood, it is apparent that the cut is deep. Sickened at herself, Teri throws a blanket over Christopher slide on her slippers and heads for the hospital. Tears flowing down her face as she takes full responsibility for Christopher's pain. Not being able to bear him in the back seat, Teri cradles him close to her in the front seat. Even though the hospital is only ten minutes away thoughts of getting into an accident races in her head, since she has never drove without Christopher safely in the backseat, strapped in his removable baby car seat.
By the time she reaches the emergency room, she is hysterical. She is seen immediately since her cries are louder than Christopher's. Everything happens in a whirlwind. Even after they have taken care of Christopher, the doctor prescribes a sedative for Teri, and gives her the name of a psychiatrist. Holding Christopher close, she rocks his sleeping body in the hallway of the hospital, whispering apologies and making countless promises to be a better mother.
When she finally reaches her car, automatically she opens the back door and realizes that she did not bring his transportable baby car seat. Feeling weak at the knees, Teri slowly gets into the back seat. At that moment, Teri completely breaks down. Crying out loud her tears wake Christopher up. Blinking and wiping his eyes he sits up and looks up at her, then he gives her an embracing hug. This gesture just makes Teri cry even harder. What a bad mother she is to this innocent child. He looks just like his father.
Since little Christopher’s birth things between her and his father have been so bad that she subconsciously withdrew from Christopher. Holding him tight, Teri continues with her promises to be a better mother. She is not able to let Christopher go, so she reaches for her purse and picks up her cell phone. As she goes down the saved numbers list, the loving scene with Ginny pops into her head. Teri stops searching and dials the church number, praying for someone to answer.
"Hello," a chipper voice answers. "I need help! My name is Teri and I am a member of the Church. I am at the Hospital off of Lane Street. I am in my car, a tan and blue Chevy, in row 2 near section C at the emergency entrance of the hospital and I need help!" Teri's tone is slow and steady but pain is screaming through her voice. "Okay, I wrote it down and someone will be there right away. Do you want to stay on the phone? Are you okay?" The voice asks concerned. "No, I will be waiting. Thank you, I need help!" Teri closes her phone and continues to hug Christopher.
After an hour, when there is a tap on her window, it scares Teri making her jump. She is trying to focus her now swollen red eyes to see who is opening her car door, but the bright light from the sun just cast an angelic silhouette around the three bodies. One person asks if she is Teri. Sniffing she nods yes. Another asks how they can assist her. "I need to get home. I live off of Constitution and Parker.
When they arrive at her house, she feels the car stop, making her lift her aching head. Still feeling weak, they help her out of the car, into the house and on to the couch. She will not put Christopher down, even though he is now squirming to be free. "Beloved, lets talk." A familiar voice says. Teri tries to focus in to see who is talking to her. Finally, she recognizes Sister Kelly. There are two men with her. "Hello, my name is Jonathon and this is Tom. What is your son's name? Can we play with him for a little while?" Sister Kelly begins rubbing her back. Teri slightly loosens her grip on Christopher, which is just enough for him to get free.
"What is wrong with you honey?" Sister Kelly asks extremely concerned. "I had just gotten to the church when I heard Nean say that you are in trouble, so I said I wanted to come also." Sister Kelly starts rubbing Teri’s back. "His name is Christopher and yes you can play with him. Just stay close please." Teri is finally able to say. She turns to look at Sister Kelly and without shedding; a tear begins spilling her guts over everything. If the truth will set you free, then Teri, who is ready to tell all, is telling enough to soar over the highest mountains.
"I'm so sorry Sister Kelly; it's just that I have been at the end of my rope for quite some time now. I have been plagued by the secrets that I’ve kept regarding my relationship with my husband, who has been cheating on me. He has been flirting, dating, cheating and lord knows what else. Not just an affair, or just flirting, or just messing around, he has been doing everything! And not just with women our own age.
He watches music videos and his eyes will drool over the half naked women even if they are young or little kids. We will be walking and he will be side glancing 16 and 15 year old girls. It got so bad I finally had to mention it. We talked, and he told me how his dream is to be with a virgin. I was so mad, I told him that ‘the little girls you are looking at are not virgins, they are little sluts.’ He is also into porn. He will check browse the various sites on the computer. Online he will check out all sorts of women: young, old, pregnant, and fat. He has porn of every race from African to Chinese on our computer. Now that he is gone, I think he is with a prostitute he frequently visited." The two young men go upstairs to play with Christopher so that Teri and Sister Kelly can be alone to really talk.
"He will quit his job depending on the weather literally. If it is cold he doesn’t work, when it’s hot he does, but when it’s warm or cool he plays around. Right before he left me he dragged me down the stairs, he hit me and our baby and now he has left us with no money. He smokes, drinks and always has time to do evil. He uses women for a ride, or even for food. He cheated on his first wife with other women—many women. He missed our dress rehearsal for our wedding to get drunk and probably even high. He was close to an hour late to the wedding because of it. I almost called off our wedding.
Trying to be helpful, everyone in my bridal party kept giving me excuses for him. Even his best man, who made it on time, told him off for being so late. He steals, deals, lies and he claims to be a Christian. He even claims to be younger than he is—how pathetic is that! I am totally unsure of how to respond now. I did love him. I don't know if I love him anymore. But I do know that I hate him. I do know that if he did die all I will be concerned about and want is the insurance money. I wouldn’t even bother to come to the funeral." Staring intensely into Sister Kelly’s eyes, Teri is in a trance as she continues.
"What type of man does that? He blames his present on his past and his abusive father. His father use to beat on his mother. I use to feel sorry for her until, I found out that she kicked him out when he was still young because the place that she wanted to live at did not want her only son around. What type of mother does that? She even stole money from us right before we had little Christopher. She left him with people who ignored his needs. At the end of our marriage, I told him that his past may have affected him but that is no excuse for his present behavior. I also told him, that this cycle of ignorance, abuse and stupidity will end with him, because I will not allow him to be around our son. He thought I was joking until I left him and moved out of the state for a couple of months. I left him a letter that told him, that he might be like his abusive father, but I am not like his stupid mother. I will protect and love my child. I never even met his mom; she did not bother to come to the wedding!
Upset I left to be with my mother. I started going to church because of her. I was lectured on the importance of marriage and the covenant of marriage. I kept things to myself, but my family knew something was wrong since I was there without him. He'd call and we talked some of the big things through. When I got back, he swore he'd changed; he started working and stayed 2 and a half years on the same job, the longest he has ever done before. He went to church; he fasted, prayed and even stopped smoking. But the third year that all ended, he reverted back little by little, as he started back watching the girls on the videos, then back to his porn of diverse women. Then he started smoking and drinking again. Within months he was back, full force, to his same old self but this time he was meaner to the baby and me.
Now I feel dumb! Right before he left me he ruined our holidays. He put some of our Thanksgiving food outside so that the animals could eat at it because I did not make it like his mother. Then he left us on Christmas. He even chose to go out and party without us for the New Years celebration. Now all I have left are questions: Why did I marry him? How did I not know? How can his mother be so awful? How can he do all of this and still believe that he is a Christian? How can I miss a man like him? How did I let myself get involved with him? Am I really an adulterer if I get a divorce?" Everything within Teri is aching full of fury, pain and sadness. Normally a very reserved person, Teri is hell bent on telling everything at that moment.
"How can I be submissive to him? I do not trust him. I don't even like him! I think I only miss him because I haven't been with another man. The trace of love that I have for him is more wishful thinking of the dream that I have of how my life will be than actual love. Everyone says, ‘submit to your husband, submit to the man.’ But I figure if you brought a big piece of crap to your home, let it in your bed, and all around your house. In the end, you and your house will stink. I married garbage and wonder why my house is such a mess. Before this separation, he told me that he never had sex with anyone else since we were married. But he is also a known liar. I use to ponder what I should believe, but now I figure, why does that even matter?"
Teri's expression changed, "No, Sister Kelly I take it back. I don't love him anymore! He has left his child and me penniless. I love the idea of my husband and my baby's father. But the actual man that I married, I hate! I hate him with a very deep passion within my soul. I do pray that he dies and that he goes straight to hell where he belongs. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but at this moment, I don't know how I can feel any other way."
Sister Kelly holds Teri’s hand and gives a soft smile. "Teri, is all that you have in your heart hatred? Now answer me this; is the rage and vengeance that you are harboring making this horrific situation better? Is it really making you even feel better so that you are able to function and be happy? Are you joyous or even happy in your perfect lust for revenge? Is the answer to any of these questions yes?"
Tears finally begin to flow down her face as her bitter wall crumbles and the pain overwhelms her. Looking down, she can not speak, only cry. With compassion, Sister Kelly holds her in comfort. "Honey, no one says it is easy. Like I said yesterday, we are under a curse. Our sorrow is great! If this situation is just difficult or uncomfortable, it will be a movie and not your real life." Sadness mixed with anger arose in her, "But why will God curse us like this?" Teri says as she pulls away, wiping her tears from her swollen eyes.
"Beloved, it is not a curse that God is vengefully afflicting on us. He knew that sin causes us pain and since we are originally made for our husbands, it is inevitable for our souls to be troubled with heartache and pain that is just unbearable. We are created with Gods love built into our nature. Therefore, we get hurt easily by our husbands, children, and life in general. That is why the husbands are suppose to protect us, but God knew this would happen so he told us what will happen in advance regarding our curse. Just like gravity, we do have such terrible sorrow--it is a built in law. That is why he offered us his protection in Jesus. We are a treasure. But many times we are misused and abused, and our love is not cherished like it is suppose to be. Now listen to me clearly." Sister Kelly reaches in her purse and pulls out a couple of pieces of tissue.
"We have to understand that love is within us. It feels like our greatest weakness, but it is really our strength. Hearts are changed because of love. We tend to get mad and try to get even by transferring our love into hatred, but this misuse of our nature does not ultimately help us. Hatred is cancerous and will suck you dry. Your body is not built to hold hate. It will break you down and then not only will you be bitter but you will have to deal with your failing body as well. I know that this is hard to take and understand right now. I know that you do not want to hear that you need to do the exact opposite of how you are feeling but trust me. Holding onto the rage, anger and vengeance will only leave you hollow. You will have emptiness, bitterness, and still not be very happy. Love on the other hand grows; producing pleasures, joy, fulfillment, and pride." Teri begins wiping her face and really listening.
Sister Kelly then smiles and added. "If you just can't help yourself and you just have to get revenge. Then build up your greatest weapon. Take the love you are born with and cultivate it. Make it the brightest light anyone has ever seen. Beloved, if you have love, you will get love back in so many directions, that he will even love you. By that time your options will have grown so wide and plentiful that this situation will be a distant, forgotten memory." That put a smile on Teri's face.
"Now," Sister Kelly continues, "First things first, you need to make your son your top priority! He is the male child that the Lord has blessed you with. Don't squander your wonderful opportunity to be a helpmate for your man." Sister Kelly pauses and then says, "I know that you have been drinking and that is probably why you were at the hospital. I need you to go upstairs, clean yourself off and make yourself presentable again. I am going to send Jonathon and Tom away and take care of Christopher, until you get finished. Then you are going to take me back to our annual women's day retreat."
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