Chapter 5 (Lets Really Get To Know Each Other)

Teri arrives at the restaurant fifteen minutes late.  LaQueia and Ginny smiles, happy to see her.  “Sorry everyone, the baby sitter was late.”  Teri quickly apologizes as she hugs them, and then sits down. “No worries.  I was going to order for you if you didn’t come in the next few minutes, and of course I would have also eaten all of it for you as well.” LaQueia says as she rubs her pregnant belly.  Ginny laughs and adds, “We didn’t order yet, but LaQueia did order an appetizer.  But I think the appetizer is not really for all of us, but for her and we can taste a little if we want.”  Liking what Ginny is saying, LaQueia nods in approval.  “I will not have said it that way, but I’m sure my actions would have.  I plan on placing the tray in front of me and eating everything until it’s all gone.”  The waiter comes and puts the appetizer down in the middle of them and LaQueia pulls it over to her and really does begin to dig in.

Both Ginny and Teri laughed, but LaQueia is too busy eating to even realize that they are laughing at her.  “Oh, Ginny I am really loving those meetings with Sister Kelly.  She is so wise.  I mean she put me down and I still have so much respect for her.  She really keeps it real.  I never realized that I never really read the bible before.  Now that I think about it, I can not believe that I did not recognize that before.  How can I act like I know or even love God when I have never taken the time to really read the words that he left behind?  Sister Kelly makes it clear that all I know about God is no better than gossip.  How awful is that?”

Teri begins to mimic a telephone conversation in a gossipy tone.  She uses her hands as phones and switches hands with each persons dialog.

‘Hey, did you hear what happened to Moses?’ 

‘No, what happened to him?’ 

‘Well I heard that he spoke to God and then he went to Egypt and got Pharaoh to let his slaves go!’ 

‘Oh really, that happened?’ 

‘Oh and that is not all!  I also heard that he opened up a big sea and he and the slaves all walked across it.’

‘Wow, that’s amazing!  Yeah, he is kinda like Jesus.’

‘Who?’

‘Jesus!  He healed people, and walked on water, but in the end his people have him killed.  It was really gruesome. But Jesus didn’t die, he is still alive.’

‘Wow!  Those men are really great.  Are they married cuz you know I’m available right now.’

‘Yeah, I know!  That is why I’m telling you this.  You should come to church with me on Sunday and we can see so dress really nicely okay.’

Ginny laughs at Teri’s reenactment.  “You are too funny!  But I do know what you mean.  It never crossed my mind either.  I would get so mad at God, because I didn’t get what I wanted, but I never took the time to build a real relationship with him.  When Sister Kelly first started talking to me about it, I got upset.  She told me that I thought I knew it all, and until I did know it all, it would behoove me to learn a little bit more.  I had such a pious attitude! 

I was like, ‘I was taught that you shouldn’t read the bible all the way through, that it is too confusing.’  She told me that is my problem.  If I thought I was so knowledgeable, then I shouldn’t have a problem reading and understanding it.  I could not believe she said that, but what made matters worst is that I could not even deny what she was saying so I started to read it and that is how our relationship started.  Even though she did not play or pacify me she was very patient, because I would not have tolerated me or my arrogant attitude.

Excited, Teri cut back in “I can not believe that she is able to quote the bible while we read it!”  Ginny replies back with the same enthusiasm.  “Oh I know, isn’t that amazing!  She can quote several translations too!  The first time I heard her, my level of respect jumped up so many notches, I still haven’t gotten over it.  Honestly, I‘ve tried to do that, but just doing one chapter baffles me.  I told Sister Kelly about how hard it is for me and she told me that, that is because, the bible is not my primary or my favorite source of entertainment, pastime or enjoyment yet.  I would have denied it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I do almost anything and everything more than staying in my word.”

Teri waves her hands excitedly, “I don’t know how I am going to do this.  I want to be used by God, but just how much do I really have to give up?  I am nervous, cuz I have some serious issues and I enjoy certain things a little too much.”  Ginny nods, “I spoke with Sister Kelly about that too.  She said that when we get saved the whole point is that we represent God on earth as he represents us in heaven.  So we have to decide just how committed we want to be.  If I want to do great things like Paul, or Moses then I really need to be focused.  And if I don’t want to put in the work then expect things to be confusing, shaky and unstable like when your review is coming up or layoffs are about to happen”  As soon as Ginny says ‘lay offs’ Teri really becomes sensitive to what is being said.  “Also if I want to do great things like heal people or even do things for myself like speak great things into my life, I need to be fully committed.  Basically what she was letting me know is that if I do a partial job for the lord then I shouldn’t complain about my results when I want help.”

Teri grimaced as she thought about what Ginny is saying.  “I use to get so upset when I did not get what I wanted.  When I was younger, I would blame God.  I would feel like he does not care about me so I would not pray or go to church and basically lived my life like he did not exist.  Then when I got older, I was in a situation where God helped me through.  So I believed in him again. 

Then I wanted other things and when he did not give them to me instead of getting mad at him, I would pout if I really wanted it by going to church but not every Sunday, or pray, but not everyday, basically I would be very inconsistent.  Or if I wanted something but I knew I really did not deserve it, I would check out the different excuses people say like, ‘It did not work because of tithing or unforgiveness or a lack of patience or whatever.  Ultimately I ended up losing trust in God, so I did what most people do.  I put up a guard, pouted or begged.  You know how that goes.  I love God and I never speak bad about him, but when I really want something, I will beg and plead saying it over and over again trying to speak it into existence or I will try to tell God why I needed what ever I want logically, hoping that will make him move.” 

Ginny shakes her head as she remembers the specific time when she was praying for a position that became open when the company she worked for was bought out.  “I wanted that VP position so bad.  I prayed, read the bible, went to church, put in larger bills for tithe and offering, I told everyone to pray for me, I even fasted, a whole day, one week before they made the announcement.  Now that I look back at all that I did…” Ginny’s mind wanders back at all of the late nights she put in to get ahead.  “I worked day and night--at work and at home.  I did everything I could think of to get the position.  So when they told me that I had gotten it, I was so excited.  That night, I looked at my bible and didn’t really want to read it anymore, but then I felt guilty so I ended up reading.  When I finished I began thinking through all that I wanted to change and do at the company.

I wanted to show them that making me Vice President is the best decision ever.  I was going to show them how much I will make things better now that I was in charge.  All of a sudden as I sat there with my bible resting in my lap, I realized that I had done a lot to get this position.  I did not know how I would be able to keep it all up.  But I was still feeling too wonderful, so I made it up in my mind that I can.  Then within a months time I found myself again in that chair.  It was 2AM and I had just finished preparing and updating myself and I looked at the bible.  I did not want to read it just like I didn’t want to read it every night.  I blinked my eyes, trying to think through my tiredness.  All I could think about was how much I hated reading it.  Then I reached for it.  I just stared at it then slowly opened it and scanned through it as quickly as I could. 

The next night, I finished early and when I looked at the bible, I actually said out loud “I hate this,” and instantly I felt guilty again so I read.  That next day I went to church and saw Sister Kelly.  I was trying to get in and out, but I couldn’t just brush her off, and Sister Kelly seemed to be in slow mode and not really saying anything.  At least that is what I thought.  So finally I told her that since I had gotten the position I was just so busy and that I really wanted to go home and sleep.  Then she asked me how my relationship with God was going.  I said fine then she told me that I really should be reading the bible more.  I was so shocked.  That was the very last thing that I wanted to do. 

Ginny begins to gesture more as she continues, “Sister Kelly shook her head and told me to come with her to one of the meeting rooms.  As we walked out of the sanctuary and away from the leaving congregation all of the things that was consuming me started to boil over.  Sister Kelly did not have a chance to close the door before I went off.  I told her how tired I was, how hard I have to work to get things accomplished, how incompetent the president of the company is and how he did not deserve his position.  Then I told her of the last two nights and how early I got up.  I ended by telling her how much I hated reading the bible now and how even going to church got on my nerves at this point. 

Sister Kelly listened patiently and even when I finished foaming off at the mouth she just stood there.  So I kept going.  I talked about how boring the pastor is and talked about how I can be finishing up various reports instead of listening to him and that will help me to get to bed earlier.  Feeling guilty I tried to take it back.  Sister Kelly just keep looking at me.  She did not look condemning or judgmental she is just looking and listening.  Then I really feel bad and guilty.  So I apologize and try to rectify everything by saying that I will keep reading and coming to church, and that is when she finally spoke.”

Ginny leaned on the table more, “Sister Kelly is just so brilliant.  She told me that God put me on her heart last night and that the bible kept popping up in her head.  So she made it a point to speak to me today.  Then she gave me a hug and said that I am running around doing all of these things for God out of guilt and obligation and that I should stop.”  Ginny shook and lowered her head shamefully. 

“I left and did not go back to church for months.  Actually I did not come back until I was in trouble again.  I felt so guilty, but thank God for Sister Kelly, because I probably would not have ever gone back to church.  When I spoke with her, she told me that when I want something from God, I don’t have to beg, promise anything or do so much stuff as I’ve done.  All I have to do is ask him and believe.”  Ginny laughs as she says, “She even said that when I said I hated reading the bible, that because of my attitude, God probably did not like me reading it neither. 

So this time I just prayed and everything worked out.  After that I started coming to see Sister Kelly and ended up coming to her various meetings.  I started reading my bible again, but I stopped making it a tradition as oppose to something that I want to do to get myself ahead spiritually just like I do at work.  When I think about just how the things of God got on my nerves when I was the one forcing everything, it just baffles me.  I could have permanently destroyed my relationship with God if Sister Kelly did not talk to me. 

I was only being faithful out of guilt, not because I enjoyed or wanted to be close to God.  Actually it was pushing me further away from him, because it became an unwanted task.  And because I didn’t really want to do it, my heart was not in it so I was not learning or getting anything out of it making the value of what I was doing even lower.  I didn’t want to read, so I would read quickly without any comprehension, which kind of defeats the purpose, and therefore creating a vicious circle. 

By this time LaQueia is almost done with the appetizers.  “If any of you, wants any of this, you better take some now or forever hold your peace.”  Both Ginny’s and Teri’s attention instantly focused in on LaQueia as they turn and look at LaQueia, and then at the devoured appetizer plates.  When they both decline LaQueia smiles happily as she finishes up the last pieces and adds, “It is just so easy to get caught up in vicious circles.  Thank God for Sister Kelly, she has helped me so much!”  Teri agrees as well, as she thinks about her current situation.  Ginny turns toward LaQueia and asks her how the book, slash Internet stuff is going?”  Content, LaQueia sits back in her chair.  “It’s going okay.  It’s just hard doing this while I’m pregnant.” 

“What book, slash Internet stuff are you doing?” Teri asks.  LaQueia explains that she is starting a book business on the Internet.  “I am thinking about calling it Love n Daydreams or LovenDaydreams.com.  I have always loved writing and reading love stories so I am putting all of my books on the web. I have been writing short love stories that people can quickly read.  That is why it’s called love n daydreams because someone who might be having a bad day or just a dull day can stop and quickly read a story that will make them giggle in a short daydream and continue on with their day without wasting too much time.  Ginny has read so many of my stories and as you can see she is the one who is pushing me to do this.”  Ginny just smiles.

“The only problem is that I am just not in the mood right now.  I don’t feel like writing love stories.  I am more into a revengeful, bloody thriller mood.  Like yesterday, I was trying to write and of course the heroin found herself hating the man she is suppose to love.  The only problem is that now I can not get her to fall in love.  I can not even get them to like each other, let alone help them to get together.  When they finally did end up in a secluded area, she ended up killing him.”  LaQueia shakes her head in disapproval,

“When I finally realized what I have done, I kept trying to fix it, but I just did not want to.  The last three days have been so hard on me.  I have been in a horrible mood--A really terrible mood!  I usually don’t talk about or even think about my soon to be ex, but the last few days I just can not help it.  I am just so angry about this situation.  It is so hard taking care of kids by yourself.  I can understand things not working out with one child, but if there are more kids or if the wife is pregnant, there is no reason for the relationship not to be working out.  The burden always falls on the woman and right now, I just am having a hard time.  I just can not see how I am going to be able to do this by myself.”  Tears begin to flow as LaQueia buries her head in her hands.

Muffled LaQueia adds, “I know that God is with me and that in the end everything will work out, but in the midst of everything for the last two days I can not find my usual peace or joy.  I finally admitted that I still love him!”  Tears are slipping down through her fingers, which are still engulfing her face.  “How can I love a man who will do this to his pregnant wife?  I am not one of his girlfriends, I am his wife. 

He has left me alone while I’m pregnant.  I am not even getting any money from him because he is not working.  He is living with another woman, cheating on her with little girls and she knows about it and me.  What type of woman takes care of a married man who is cheating on her?  I just can not get over it.  A friend of the family saw him with her at the mall.  She knew the woman and not until she saw him did she realize that my husband is the one she has been talking about.  My friend did not know that his new girlfriend was talking about my husband. 

I am just so angry!  She told me three days ago and I have been having a nervous breakdown, anxiety attacks and eating everything in sight ever since.  Teri frowns angrily as Ginny immediately puts her arm around LaQueia.  “I am so sorry, I am just not in my normal happy place right now.  I actually prayed against him the day after I heard what was going on.  I try to practice what Sister Kelly says about revenge, but I just can not help myself. 

I want him to pay for what he has done to me.  I want him to know how it feels.  I want him to understand and suffer for the pain he has caused.  I want him to hurt and be terrorized.  I don’t want him to have peace. I want evil to encompass him.  I want bad things and injustice to befriend him.  And I want it all right now!”  Teri doesn’t know what to say, because she can relate and understand the heartfelt words. 

Ginny leans her head on LaQueia which makes LaQueia calm down a bit, but that doesn’t stop the tears that are still flowing between her fingers.  “Yesterday was just such an awful day for me.  I called him up and she picked up!”  LaQueia finally lifts her head showing her red and watery eyes.  “I literally called her every name that I could think about.  She told me I am a fool for letting him go and that I will never get him back because she will always do whatever it takes to keep him. 

I was so sick to my stomach.  I told her that he may be there for a period of time, but he will never marry her because she is no better than trash.  And just like trash, she might be around, but she’ll never be needed or wanted.  Then I told her he married me and will always think of me as his wife even if he puts an X in front of it.  She will never even be that important to him.  He’ll always want me.  But you are just one of many women!  You will never be special or important to him, because there are so many woman like you.  When he tires of you , he’ll find another until your name will be forgotten.  He will never be able to forget me--  legally, emotionally or any other way.  I am his wife!  She hung up the phone on me.”  LaQueia shook her head and put her face in her balled fists.

“I can not believe I was talking to her.  I am not in the habit of fighting over a man.  It just makes me so mad because he is my husband!  I should not have to fight over what is mine!  I wanted to tell him off, not speak to a woman who….who….I can’t even come up with the type of person who can do such a thing.  What am I suppose to do?  As I think about how disgusting he is, another woman is happily catering to him.  How can this be this way?” LaQueia looks up as she wipes her face with the napkin Ginny gives her. 

“What am I suppose to do?  I still love my husband.  I still want him around.  But I can’t deal with this situation.  Not only is he cheating he is also a child molester.  Instead of him feeling the shame of losing his family, hurting me, his wife and children and putting himself in danger with God, he is living his life with another woman who will do whatever he wishes.  How is that fair?  How can I compete with that?  What am I suppose to do?”  LaQueia looks back and forth at Ginny and Teri who are both speechless.

“I just want something to happen you know.  Why can’t God just kill him or at least put a plague on him--something, anything!  Why doesn’t God do something to him and her.  They both should pay for this!  They should have to pay now!” LaQueia is speaking loudly which causes a couple of people in the restaurant to look at her.  Ginny sighs sadly and sits back in her chair and sadly admits, “My husband finally had the baby with his new wife, so I am not able to really say very much right now.”  LaQueia’s demeanor changes from anger to sympathy for her friend.  Ginny has been trying to have kids for years so this is a really hard blow.  They all sit in silence as they thinks through their own situations.     

            The silence is finally broken by the waiter.  Even after they all order, they just sit there until Teri has an idea and pulls out her cell phone and begins dialing.  “Is Sister Kelly there?  Oh, that’s okay, I can just call back.”  LaQueia laughs at Teri’s gesture.  “I can not believe you called her.  We are so sad.  Even though I would have loved to hear her advice, I am glad she is not there to hear how pathetic we are.  We all are suppose to be getting ready for ‘The Coming’ and instead we are moping around.”  LaQueia dug in her purse and pulls out a couple of pieces of paper.

            “God helped me last night.  I was really losing it!  I have so many thoughts in my head--all of them are bad of course.  The only one that isn’t evil, fear based, wicked or spiteful was a song.  I had a song that keep playing in my mind, but I didn’t really know the words or the complete melody.  So after I finished praying against him and cursing him, I looked up the song.  It was amazing!  When I finally found it, I played it over and over again.  I even looked up the lyrics.  It brought me peace and I was able to finally zone in the right things.”

            Ginny lifts up her eyes and sighed, “I have been trying to zone, but instead I have been just bottling it away—making it just go away in the mind. Obviously that is not a good idea, because instead of being able to help you, or anyone, I am concentrating on my own worries.  I am going to have to zone in and stop ignoring the obvious.  I am just so use to doing it, that even before I have the chance to zone, I have already dismissed it away.”

Teri looks confused trying to keep up with the conversation.  Ginny notices and starts to explain.  “What we are talking about is what Sister Kelly calls zoning.  Whenever you are feeling unstable, scared, fearful, nervous or anything that makes you feel like you are losing control.  You have to zone in on the right things.  You can ask God to bring what he wants in your mind or remembrance.  It is good to get a song, phrase, bible verse, testimony or something that God puts in your heart and make it come to life by remembering or singing it.  Let it play loud and strong or say the words until all of the negative or demonic voices and thoughts are blasted out and cast out as the your spirit reconnects with God. 

You can allow yourself to temporarily lose yourself in whatever God has given you to help you through.  This is really great when you are really hurting and feeling like your losing control and you want to lose control.  I personally like to let just one song play over and over again until all I hear are it’s peaceful thoughts as my spirit is connecting and the words are transcending me up and taking me to a peaceful place.”

Teri smiles as she places zoning to memory.  LaQueia gives them all a piece of paper.  This is what I did last night.  I was trying to feel better so I found scriptures that coincided with how I was feeling.  I think that these will help you when you get started searching through the bible.  Its not a lot of verses only because it did not make me feel better.  It was too late, my fire was already fueled and blazing in full glory.