"Beloved, if it is taking you this long, the answer is obvious." Teri looks up to meet Sister Kelly’s comforting stare. "Never be ashamed of love. It really is okay to love him even if you also feel the need to dislike him. What you have to remember is that your generation is so full of so many things that hinder love. It was not so in my day. Never be ashamed to love someone. Remember God is love."
Instantly flowing tears start to glisten through the shattered walls of her hurt, in the presence of the wise woman. "Jesus died out of love, and it hurt, but as we all know it is well worth it. Your generation is challenged with so much. There are so many things that the women of your generation are trying to obtain and achieve. These things are really not worth what you think. And it’s keeping you out of order. I know you all fight it, but find your place, you will be much happier there." Teri has her face in her hands while her tears are free falling through her fingers and soaking her skirt.
"I don't know what to do about my marriage. I miss him, but he has done so much to me. How can I accept him back? The more I am away from him, the more I realize just how much he disrespected me." Teri sobs. "I don't even know if he loves me anymore. And even if he does, I don't know if I love him. Some days I know that I do and that I can at least start trying to forgive him, but in just a few moments, I feel no love for him at all. I literally juggle feelings of hate and love for him at the same time. It's so confusing. I am just so tired of all of this. It's turning me into a basket case."
Wiping her face with the tissue Sister Kelly has just handed her, Teri continues, "I am a strong woman, but this pain is so consuming. It’s like I’m bipolar—happy, sad, depressed, and angry all within the course of a few minutes. At this point, I am not the same, I am willing to do whatever it takes to leave this behind me and gain my sanity back."
Sister Kelly speaks softly, "Teri, I am so glad that you have come. You can be doing so many other harmful things. I can name a few, but you are well aware of how you can destroy yourself or even your son in the name of rage, fear or revenge. Instead, you have chosen to rely on God. I am so proud of you!" As soon as Teri hears this, she feels terrible.
"No you don't understand, I came here by accident. I can't take credit for even being here." Tears begin to flow down her face again, as the reason for her recent visit passes through her thoughts; Teri puts her face back in her hands. "I am not a good person, I always thought I was. How did this happen? In the movies, I always talk about women acting like this. Crying over a man that doesn't deserve her, how pathetic." Desperate she continues her confession. "I didn't even come here to talk about this; I wanted to know about the funeral…"
Sister Kelly stops her mid sentence. "Stop removing your blessings from yourself. It doesn't matter who, what, when, where or why. Just that you are here now, because you really can be somewhere else. Remember that! I don't know how much time you have today so I have to be quick." Sister Kelly pulls a piece of paper out of her apron. First of all you have to start speaking life into your life. Negativity is consuming therefore concentrate on the right things and not the wrong. Second, you need to read the book of Genesis. And when I say read, I mean like a story and not like memorized verses. Finally, these are some other bible verses you should read and meditate on. I need you to understand who you are and whose you are. Focus in on Abraham's life and children. There are so many lessons that can help you, but let's just start in Genesis."
Trying to regroup Teri clears her tears away with the back of her hand, since the tissue is now soaked. "I've read most of the book of Genesis before. Can't you just tell me key verses or better yet, what I need to know so that I don't have to waste time?" She asks as she looks through the various verses on the paper, then tosses the used tissue away in the basket next to the chair.
"That is what I'm talking about. Your generation is so use to getting the answers that takes others years that you never really study to show yourself." Sister Kelly lovingly takes the piece of paper back and folds it back up. "What I am trying to tell you is that you need to read the book of Genesis as if your life depended on it." She gives the folded paper back to her and leans in as she adds, "And your new and better life really does depend on it." Taking the paper and putting it in her purse, Teri sits back pondering Sister Kelly’s words.
On the drive back to work Teri decided to turn off the radio and play some gospel music. When she fumbles through her CD collection looking for something positive to listen to, she remembers that she only has gospel tapes and the car only accepted CD's. Again, she makes the same mental note that she has made several times before; to actually buy some updated gospel music that she likes instead of relying on the tapes that her mother has given her.
Driving in silence, she can not stop the questions playing around in her head as she tries to find answers. "What does love got to do with it? Why do the women always end up carrying the burdens of a relationship? Why am I in this position and how can I get out of this mess? Why am I dealing with problem after problem? Out of all of the books of the bible why does she want me to read Genesis?"
Grieved, she rolls her eyes as she thinks about her time being consumed with reading the bible. "It's the old testament! How can I get anything out of that?" Teri can not help but to say aloud when she pictures herself using her few moments of free time reading. Especially reading a book, she barely understands. Already flustered she says to herself. "I basically need a translation for every word I read. Seriously, how can I do this without a preacher dissecting every word for me?"
By the time she pulls into a parking spot, the words "thou" and "shall" are starting to replace her normal diction. ‘Howest shall thou helpeth me maketh money, so that I mayest be rich and all of my problems magically go awayeth?’ She amusingly joked within herself. Humming the words to "What's love got to do with it," as she walks back to her desk. The rest of the day goes by smoothly while unconsciously the song continues to play throughout her mind.
After attending her last meeting for the day, instead of staying late like she normally does; Teri quickly gathers up her things and heads for her car, not wanting to converse with anyone. As she comes closer to the building door, she can hear familiar voices outside the entrance. In the midst of a group of co-workers, who are hanging on her every word, Jenna is regurgitating the bathroom scene as they walk off slowly. Knowing that she will be pulled into the conversation, Teri makes a dash to the bathroom door.
Sitting her stuff near the sink, she carefully begins looking around to make sure that no one else is in there. After cautiously checking each stall she acknowledges just how ironic it is that she is back in the same bathroom, hiding out from co-works interested in bathroom views. Examining her reflection in the mirror, she can see the ugly aging that has taken place in the last few months. Her make-up is blotchy and not covering up but adding to her blemishes enabling her eyes and skin to look older.
She reaches into her purse to reapply her lipstick; her lip color has separated into lines of dull lingering color. Slowly, Teri places the lipstick to her lips and begins retracing them. Her eyes looks up to her unkept hair that combed through with her fingers while on her way to work this morning. It is apparent that she has not showered or taken any pride in how she looks today. Turning away, she can not take anymore. Grabbing her stuff, Teri can not stay in the bathroom any longer. She would rather face the group outside and their conversations that have her in the bathroom than to continue her own personal harsh unveiling.
With eyes lowered Teri quickly rushes outside toward her car. Clinching her notepad and pressing her purse close to her chest. Before she reaches her car, she opens her little yellow purse to pull out her keys. Even when she gets into the car, she quickly starts it and drives off, just in case someone will try to trap her in conversation there. Not until she is walking into her house did the sense of urgency finally subside.
As soon as she puts Christopher down, he begins playing in the cupboards in the kitchen. Teri turns on the television and changes the channel to a popular reality series that is about to come on soon. Hearing Christopher tapping two lids together, Teri goes into the kitchen also and begins to make dinner for them; which takes less than 15 minutes in the microwave. Automatically she puts him in his highchair and pulls him into the living room.
Watching the program, she begins feeding him his toddler like baby food, while Christopher does everything from shaking his head, to crying to let her know that he does not want a single bite. Not until he finally swipes the spoon making his chunky vegetable bits fall onto the floor, does Teri finally reacted to his refusal to eat.
"Stop it!" She cries out as she sits his food on the side table and goes to get a napkin. Still engrossed in the show she stumbles over a toy that is lying on the floor. Slowly cleaning up the mess, eyes still affixed on the television. A commercial comes on, so she finishes cleaning up the mess and picking up his food, trying to give him a spoonful. This time she makes sure that there is an appropriate amount of veggies present.
Christopher swipes it again, but this time Teri is ready and moves the spoon out of his way. "You have to eat Christopher." She tries again and he tries to grab the spoon from her. She moves it away, but it is done so quickly that some of the vegetables fall on his lap. Teri goes to get another napkin. Christopher is intrigued and quickly grabs a carrot bit, and sticks it in his mouth. He grabs another and squeezes it in his hand until it seeps out between the fingers of his clutched fists. Teri clears the rest and starts cleaning him off.
"You can't feed yourself right now; I need you to just eat, so I can start on my own food. The show comes back on and she continues her weak attempts at feeding him until she gives up ten minutes later. During the next commercial she goes back to the kitchen heating back up her food and gets her dinner from the microwave and wet a wash cloth to wipe Christopher off with. After cleaning him off she picks up her food about to eat, when the channel changes. Christopher has the remote and is happily flipping through the channels.
Since the show has just ended, Teri is not too upset. She calls out to him trying to get him to bring the remote back to her. Knowing the chances of her getting the remote back from him is slim to none, Teri decides to do the same thing she use to do with his father when he would take control of the television. Grin and bear it! Besides, she is starving.
As she takes that first bite, she knows that she has to fix another microwave dinner. That is when it hit her that she has been snacking all day, but has not really eaten anything of substance all day. "Wow, I've never done that before." With each bite, she vows never to let that happen again. Three television shows later, she has eaten two dinners and finished a half of a bag of chips. Yawning she picks up Christopher up from off of the floor where he is sleeping and heads upstairs.
Looking at Christopher's peaceful face as he sleeps, she can see the combination of their features, making Teri remember the things that Sister Kelly has said and asked of her. Yawning, she prepares herself for bed. After stepping out of the shower, Teri concludes her thoughts with a mental note to deal with everything during the weekend, when she will have more time. After she brushing her teeth, she gets into her bed with Christopher. Even though she has decided to deal with the various questions plaguing her mind in two days, there is still one question that she can not shake. “Do you love him?"
Although laying her head on two supportive pillows feels peaceful, Teri’s mind keeps racing, not letting her body get the well deserve sleep it needs. After nearly an hour of tossing and turning her mind finally drifts off to sleep, as it reconstructs a weird dream of the perfect marriage. All of the good times that Teri and Jason spent together replay in perfect harmony in only the way dreams can portray. The good times end with them watching a romantic movie together. When the show ends Teri gets up and goes into the kitchen where food is already cooking. Magically everything is done right when she steps into the kitchen and everything is perfectly cooked and well seasoned.
Then the two of them are sitting at the table eating, when the phone rings. He tells her not to get it, but she gets up anyway. He calls out again for her not to get it. She begins to explain why she has to get it and turns back around to face him, when she sees his distorted face, which immediately startles her making her jump with fright. The phone keeps ringing in her hand as she stares at him. Angrily he grabs her and callously throws her on the floor. With both feet, he begins standing on top of Teri, one foot on her stomach, the other on her head, then he answers the phone.
Although the receiver is on his ear, she can hear the other woman as if the phone is on speaker. They speak about their love and how he will be there to see her as soon as he finishes his dinner. He hangs up and the phone rings again. He calls out “I'll see you tomorrow,” a woman says okay. This happens five more times; the phone will ring and he will answer it by calling out, telling each women he will see her until the week is all filled up.
Then the phone stops ringing. He is about to step off of Teri when the phone rings one more time. He calls out that he will see the rest of the women the following week and several women reply back in unison—“okay!” Then he started on his food, calling out to Teri to finish her dinner as well. She slowly got up and his face is no longer distorted. Whimpering as she tries to get up, he immediately stops eating and runs over to her, asking what is wrong? Astonished she looks at him seeing the genuine concern on his face as he carefully picks her up and embraces her. When she begins pulling back from him, Teri finally wakes up.
Feeling dazed and sore as if she has been really struggling, Teri looks at the alarm. The clock read
Going to the kitchen and heating up the leftovers she is planning on taking to work the following day, Teri can not wait for the food to be done. Remembering his distorted face, makes her shiver, she shakes her head hoping to knock the image out, but it keeps coming back. That is when the words, "Do you love him," come back to her. She quickly goes over to her cabinet and grabs her bible. Sitting at the table with her food and bible, she begins to read Genesis and eat. She is reading the story of Adam when, a piece of corn falls on the bible.
"Oh no!" she cries out as she quickly gets a napkin to clean it off. When she wiped it off it leaves a big yellow smear in its trace. Upset, she closes her bible. "I highlight key verses but this corn highlight is ridiculous. I've had this bible for 15 years and it has never been damaged until now," she exclaims as she sits and stares at it. Pouting she puts the bible back up. Her late grandmother bought her that bible the day that Teri became a Christian. She treasured her bible and was not willing to let anything else happen to it.
Sitting back down she continues to eat until she remembers the dream and the reason why she is still up in the first place. Not wanting to replay that awful scene again, she gets up from the table and goes to the living room. As she passes the book cabinet where she has just put her bible, she notices a bible tape set that her mother has also given her.
Smiling she grabs it and goes into the living room. Putting her food down, she opens the case. Several tapes are missing. She has misplaced several tapes since she has gotten it. She rummages through them until she finds the book of Genesis. "Thank God!" she responded excited. "I just knew with the luck that I'm having that this tape would be missing."
She goes over to her media center and starts rewinding the tape. Sighing at the fact that she has to wait for the tape to be ready to play, she goes back to her food and takes a couple bites until she hears the tape stop. "Finally," she says aloud as she gets up and hits the word play. Then goes back to the couch and starts eating again. Not hearing anything, she almost gets up thinking that something is wrong when the tape and soft music start playing.
The tape is in the Kings James translation. Rolling her eyes, Teri mockingly says, "Heareth we goeth." After the male voice has recited the first chapter to her surprise, she understands some of what he is saying. Instead of hearing verses that she feels she has to memorize, she is tuned into the various stories that are being told. When she finishes her food Teri goes to the closet grabs a blanket and snuggles up on the couch.
The tape stopped playing hours ago when the sun gently woke her up. Looking at the time, she stretches, gets up, turns back on the tape and goes upstairs. The baby is already up, playing with the alarm. Grabbing and kissing him, she takes him in the bathroom with her as she begins their morning cares. When they are both fully dressed they head back downstairs. She quickly makes a couple of bottles and put extra clothes and diapers into his diaper bag. Turning off the tape, she heads out.
The rest of the week goes by quickly, since they have a three-day weekend coming up. Now that everyone thinks she was at a funeral, people are being extra nice and considerate to her. It made things a lot easier, especially since everyone is in a scramble to get things done since Monday is a holiday. By the time Friday comes, it is actually quiet since a lot of people have taken that day off to maximize their consecutive days off. By
Feeling good, Teri hums as she walks to her car. She even says good-bye to Cathy and a few other co-workers who are also leaving. The drive to the daycare is laden with heavy traffic because of the time, three-day weekend, and an accident in the opposite direction. Normally Teri would have been upset, hating having to pick up Christopher so late. However, the wait did not seem as long, since she brought her portable tape player. She is playing the book of Genesis tape she has been listening to at home in her portable tape player.
The more she listens the more questions she has: ‘Why did it bother Adam and Eve that they are naked? Snakes can talk? How in the world did Cain find a wife? How did the animals get into and stay in Noah's ark? Why didn't anyone else make a boat? How did everyone live so long and why don't we live that long anymore? Why didn't Isaac just take back his blessing from Jacob and give it to Esau? And what is up with the various women and kids?’
Since she is suppose to pay close attention to the story of Abraham. The questions regarding his life are also plentiful: ‘How did Abraham know where he is going? Why did he get up early to kill his son? Why didn't God get mad at him for lying? Why in the world did Sarah let him sleep with her young maid?’ The more she listens the more questions she has although Abraham sleeping with, and having a child with another woman really has her mind spinning. Every time the question of children pops up she ends up saying "I wanted children too, but I am never gonna let my husband sleep with another woman just to get one."
Strapping Christopher in his infant car seat, Teri can still feel her excitement for her upcoming three days off. Throwing his diaper bag in the passenger seat, she quickly starts the car, when it hits her. Where is she going? There is no need to hurry home. The house is empty. There is no need to fix dinner, quickly clean up, or grocery shop. Everyone who will care is already in the car and Christopher's attention is focused on loving his mother and exploring whichever surroundings he is placed into.
Not wanting to be at home alone, Teri tries to relish her new found freedom with gladness, but her obligations and commitment to being a good mother limited her possibilities. At the moment, all she wants to feel is love, acceptance and appreciation. Where can she go to feel the warmth of being cared for? The emptiness of a big house seemed deafening. The comfort of her familiar past is tugging at her soul. Closing her eyes, she goes through her mental phonebook in her head. Names and faces burst in and out until she opens her eyes as a possibility pops up.
On Fridays, a group of women will go to the church and hang out in an informal bible study. Teri overheard about it from Sue, a co-worker that also goes to her church. Sue was exclaiming about how much fun they have and how she wished she could still go, but since she has to change shifts on her job she is not able to make it anymore. Remembering the feeling of excitement Sue portrayed comforted Teri.
Sue exclaimed, “After work a lot of women tend to hang out at the church instead of the alternative. They are mainly single woman that do not have kids, or husbands or any other responsibilities except to themselves. At the time she heard this, Teri had not been in this ‘singles’ category in so long, that when she first overheard it, it actually seemed silly to her. ‘These desperate women just hang around the church, when they can be; working on their educations, participating in exciting hobbies, exploring the world or creating their own businesses,’ was Teri’s first thought when she overhead it. After that remark she instantly tuned out Sue's conversation. But now, remembering just how happy Sue was, Teri shrugs her shoulders and decides to give it a try. At least this group of woman will not be able to judge her like a group of married couples. Either way maybe Sister Kelly will also be there to answer some of her questions regarding the bible.
Teri stops at a restaurant to eat before heading to the church. It takes longer than she expects, since Christopher did not appreciate the quality of food verses the food and toy partnership he is accustomed to. Therefore, when she pulls up in the church parking lot and notices several parked cars and a couple of women walking in, Teri feels better. Toward the end of her dinner she started to get nervous thinking that she might miss the bible study, therefore, seeing other women entering the church made her feel more at ease. Grabbing the baby, she also leans over and pulls out her bible.
Smiling, she can feel the comforting feeling she would have whenever she goes to church on Sundays. Well, whenever she is able to attend. With baby and bible in hand, she opens the door and is greeted with mass laughter. She can tell they are in the fellowship hall. Christopher begins squirming for his independence, so she put him down letting him walk on his own. This made the journey longer, but gives her an opportunity to listen in to what is being says, before anyone knows she is there.
"No, you said that you will tell us the secret this week!" A voice calls out. Then she hears several confirmations in agreement. "Yeah, I even brought my tape recorder so that I can listen to it over and over again later," another voice calls out. "Oh that is a great idea, you’re gonna have to make copies." Another shouted back. Then a chant breaks out. "Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!" Suddenly she hears Sister Kelly's voice. "Okay, but just remember that you are the one who asked for this, I don't want anyone to get mad, because it is not going to be pretty!"
Intrigued Teri steps into the room. She expected everyone to turn around and stare at her, but to her surprise, no one noticed. One woman changed chairs so that Teri can get a seat on the aisle so that Christopher can play. Everyone has a notebook and pen at hand eagerly waiting, while Sister Kelly started flipping through her bible. Teri pulls out a couple of Christopher's toys from his diaper bag and then gets herself situated. Normally she always carries a notepad with her, but today of all days she did not have anything. Noticing her frustration a woman tears a couple of sheets out of her notepad and hands it to her.
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