Sister Kelly is a pillar in the community. She has been married for 49 years, has 7 kids-all of which are in the ministry, skipped several grades in school and started college at age 15. Holds an undergraduate and graduate degree from an ivy league school, over the years she has held several key positions, including a judge for several years and whenever there is a need in the community, she is always there working to bridge the gap.
She has written 15 verses when she turns around. "We will first need to start at the beginning. It is always wise to get a full understanding before you start dissecting anything. That way you won't be prone to cut out or throw something away that is needed or valuable. Now what I am about to say might seem like it is off of the point, but again I am just creating a foundation.
I have to say this because your generation is always ready for a quick fix. Although everything does not have to take a long time or needs to be tedious, when you have a ground up understanding your appreciation, commitment, dedication and loyalty is much more rooted. Also like in the verse that I wrote from the book of Matthew, you need to be grounded and rooted or your wisdom will be plucked out of you. You can have the secret of the universe, but if it is not planted in your soul, it can be ripped from you. So many times your generation wants to hear a quick pick me up or microwave type of fast funny solution. Young ladies, remember you need to have a sturdy and solid foundation to stand on, so that you will not crumble when the pressure is on. That is why I am going to start this way.
God, like so many of us decided to have children. To start, God started time, and the beginning by creating the sun and moon. Both of which, the diverse calendars, like the Gregorian calendar, is based on.” Sister Kelly stops as she looks around. "A key
point that we have to remember is that although Genesis chapter 1 talks about the beginning that is our beginning of time and not His."
She begins walking around. "God is our father and it is difficult for us to know him before he started to prepare for us. Children believe that their parents are always, in a sense, a parent. Parents had hopes, dreams, and essentially a life, before their children's life became interwoven within their lifestyle. God has reasons why he wanted us. And unlike so many of us, he made sure everything was meticulously prepared before having us.
Like a pregnant woman, he begins to prepare for us. He begins time and a dominion for his children to be lords over which is called earth. God created a special place for us to be able to rule over so that we can mimic him. Kids love to mimic their parents, and God gives us that inherit possibility with the whole earth and not just the Garden of Eden. There are potentially countless planets, but God made our planet special—just for us. When you give your child a gift, you appreciate it, when they appreciate it. That means everyone should be mindful of the planet. Now write this down; God is our parent—our biological parent."
Sister Kelly waited while everyone quickly wrote her words down. "Now, after God prepared a home and the perfect environment that we can grow and flourish in. You can see this same trait in a woman desiring a house that she turns into a home while she is pregnant. God then goes within himself and creates us. Essentially, he has a man--Adam. Like any loving parent, the first thing God does, after giving birth, is to create an even more nurturing place. We as woman do this today; it is similar to a baby’s nursery. God lovingly places his baby in that best part of his new home, within
The next thing God did is allow man the same privileges that God uses. He gave man everything to be like him, including the command to work. This is another key point that I will bring up later. With the earth that God gave man, he is suppose to cultivate it, dress it, tend it, guard it, take care of it, and work his surroundings. Daily God will spend quality time with his baby Adam. Finally God made the women from the man for the man." Sister Kelly leans in, taking in a deep breath as she continues.
“When Eve sinned she is cursed and that curse is very important for us. I want everyone to open your bibles to Genesis 3:16. This verse is pregnant with so much for us to learn and meditate on. I can go through this verse next week if you would like and really break it down. But I encourage every one of you to not only meditate and ask for revelation knowledge but to write it down in a place that you can see it especially when you are upset." Sister Kelly turns about to go back to the board where the various verses are written.
"I want everyone not only to write this verse down, but also the entire passage in your notebooks." While everyone is writing, Sister Kelly continues to write more verses on the board. "Now I want everyone to read this verse out loud. Sheryl, you might want to read the verse close to your tape recorder."
‘Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire [shall be] to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.’
Sister Kelly waits until everyone completed reading. "Now let’s deal with two key things in this verse. We'll deal with the sorrow issue next week. Since this lesson is suppose to be about the secrets to obtaining the best marriage. Right now let’s focus on some key words in this passage."
Turning around to face the audience, Sister Kelly begins to smile. "Desire and rulership," she emphasizes each word. "These two words are always a major part of our lives. If you include sorrow, you will describe the story of any woman’s life. The world makes it seem like woman are materialistic, but its really women’s desires. Our desires are for ourselves, our lives, our loved ones, our children, our family, our friends, our lifestyle….the list can go on and on.”
Does it appear that usually you as a woman have so many things that you want, while a man can be so satisfied? You as a woman will even work hard at things that you feel or think that your man desires. Then get upset when he does not help or work as hard as you do to obtain the things that are desired. They have desires but they will only work on a few of them, while we try to get them all.
That my dear women, is a place of contention between them and us. If you know that your desires will keep you up at night and not him. Be wise and do not include it in your long list of desires for them to participate in with you. If you desire it, go for it. If he participates in one or two things then that is great! If he participates once, rejoice! Do not nag or get upset over our curse of desires. This, my lovely ladies, is so very important! Always recognize when you are upset with your husbands, if the core of the matter is dealing with a desire--whether it is his desire or yours. When you can do this, your married life will change dramatically!
Sister Kelly sighs, “I am trying to stay focused on our topic of marriage but there are just so many things that you young women need to know.” Sister Kelly goes to pull out a chair to sit down. “Remember how I said that God loves his baby! Well, God loves his baby so much that God placed his baby in an extra special spot. God unlike so many of us, is a very good parent. God goes above and beyond to take care of his baby. Therefore, it will be wise women to not get upset when God does not strike your man dead when you are mad at him. We women tend to think that when our man is bad, that God should immediately punish him. No, God gives his baby chance after chance to get it right. Woman it will be wise for us not to put our men, in essence God’s baby on trial. God is the judge not us. This is important because if we really understand this point, we will not feel so frustrated.
We tend to feel that when our man is doing something we do not approve of, even if it is against God or if he is doing things that are not making him the man that we feel God desires we get mad and want Gods instant punishment in order to teach him.” Sister Kelly shakes her head showing her disapproval.
"The reason why it is important to realize that God is his father, is that this will help you to remember your place.” Before anyone has a chance to say anything, Sister Kelly waves her hands in the air and says, “I know! I know! No woman really wants to know or stay in her place, but the fact is that the man is Gods baby and you are the man’s baby. Try as much as you want to ignore this fact, but your time will not be used wisely. Instead work with this fact and you will be using your time wisely. Just like gravity. Try to live like gravity does not exist and death can be your outcome, but if you work with gravity then you can fly!
Also, remember, if you want to get analytically/technically weird, if man is God’s baby, and we are man’s baby that will make us God’s grandbabies. And for anyone who is involved with grandparents or is a grandparent, grandbabies have a very unique and special place in the grandparents heart. These same parents that did not let their own children do certain things, will allow and sometimes even help their grandchildren to do it. Therefore, that means we as women have an extra special place in Gods heart. So instead of fighting over being the same as a man we should relish and take advantage of our own special place. So as I always say know your place! You have an exclusive place with God, make sure you take advantage of it.
Okay let us apply this knowledge with understanding. When we get upset, we have words for days. We can go on and on and on. We argue every detail and will analyze each point 3-D style, getting so worked up and angry. Nothing good can come from this when we are dealing with our husbands. Because even if you win the argument you still have not changed his heart; that is why we end up even more frustrated because we keep telling our men the same things over and over again. You do not want his compliance you really want his heart.
For example if you get mad, instead of quickly responding and that includes counting to ten or any other remedy you have come up with. Stop and wait, and then go before the lord for a word. When I say stop and wait, that means, you need to conform to what your husband is saying.” Sister Kelly laughs after saying this as she looks at everyone’s frowning faces. “Beloved, if you know that anytime you get upset with your husband that you now have to listen to him, you will quickly learn how to stay peaceful and not get upset. So do not get upset with this saying, just know that in the end you will be a better person, and in essence a wiser person.
Now when I say do what he is saying, remember, we are discussing that you need to be very conscience of this when you are upset. I am saying you need to be mindful to do this when you are upset. The reason being is that you need time, and usually lots of it to get yourself in your best place to talk. You need to hold your peace until you are able to find a couple of scriptures that you can relate your situation too.
In addition, I am not talking about getting scriptures to back up what you are trying to get across. If you want or need to, then go ahead and find scriptures to back up what you are trying to say, but make sure that when you do find those scriptures, you also need to find scriptures to back up what he is saying. When you complete the ‘I am right scripture search’ then go on and do what you should have done in the first place find scriptures that will help you in your situation. You need to meditate on these scriptures, until it becomes a personal testament that you can depend and lean on.” Sister Kelly stops abruptly and looks around the room.
“Beloved, I have to also say that when you are finding scriptures, I do not want you to pick and choosing one verse to live by, stretching it to cover all of your feelings. For example: You live close to your family and you love the fact you can see them and your close friends whenever you want, especially your parents that are getting up there in age. Your husband wants you to spend more time with him, so he works on different tactics trying to make you spend more time with him than them. The contention comes when he finds a job far away from where you currently live. Of course he acts like it is his dream job. But you know why he is really wanting to go. However, since you have come here today, instead of arguing with him for days and giving him cold nights. You go to the bible and find a scripture.
‘Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife [see] that she reverence [her] husband.’
Armed with your scripture, you meditate on the obvious fact that the scripture says you must reverence or obey your husband. Trying to do the will of God, you try to grin and bear it. Trying to rearrange your thinking to coincide with this verse. You even look up the word reverence and find various synonyms for it. Reverence can also mean admiration, respect, awe, veneration, astonishment, amazement, worship. Therefore, you say ‘Oh God wants me to basically bow down to my husband and let him always have his way.’ Not really agreeing with this, you decide to do everything you can in order to do this so that you can be in the will of God.”
Sister Kelly shakes her head in disapproval. This example that I have given is what babes in the lord does. And I know that many of you in here would have done just that. Go out and find a scripture to try to live by even though you do not fully understand or agree with it. I want to let you know that your willingness to change your heart is something to be reverenced!
Beloved, what I am saying for you to do when you go to scripture is to find a concept, person, something that has gone up to the revelation knowledge stage and stand grounded in that. Not just find a scripture that sounds good and try to conform. In the example I gave, if a woman tries to conform even though she really does not agree with or believe, then even though she does try to live by this scripture, she will most likely fail. Over and over again she will repeatedly fail! She will fail, not just because the verse does not deal with all of her feelings regarding the issue she is trying to have it combat, or just because she is trying to do lip service and not soul service, but because time will tell. Her true feelings will eventually show. With the blending of the right situation and time, her ability to stand on this scripture will soon fail her.
Now that I say this, I would like to give you the correct way to do what I am saying in regards to finding scriptures to live by and combat your feelings with. First, I must say that the topic of reading your bible is the key to this. Just like I said last week, you need to be reading your bible daily. That being said, I’ll give you another example of a basic situation. You are having so many problems with your husband you have decided to get a divorce. Now that you are getting divorced your husband is already dating again and you are extremely bitter about it. Again you have been coming to these meetings so you look up vengeance and decide to use:
‘Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, "I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord.’
You decide to concentrate on God getting him back. But the more you think about it the madder you get. You finally get a chance to meet his new girlfriend and she is younger, skinner and is typical--hanging on his every word and treating him like he is a god, which really makes you irate. You are still coming to these meetings and reading your bible. However, since you are so mad you decide that this verse just is not helping you enough so you decide to meditate on Deuteronomy 32:35:
‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip;
their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.’
You concentrate on God getting him back. You think of several ways that God can even use. However, you are still coming to these meetings and reading your bible and while you are reading you read the story of Jacobs son Joseph.” Sister Kelly stands up and walks around looking at everyone to make sure they understand her next points. “As you read about Joseph, you realize that Joseph’s brothers have vengeance in their heart because their father loves Joseph more than them. As you read the scriptures where they contemplate killing him. You can understand their fury considering you also are angry with your husband.
As you continue to read you understand their hesitation in actually killing him, and you can relate to how they sell him off instead. Then you get to the verses where they trick their father in believing that he had a gruesome death. When you read the hurt that this causes him you realize that in their hatred they did not act wisely. They hurt their father so badly that their lives changed forever. In reading the whole story you see just how the anger these men harbor against their little brother affected their lives. Joseph had two dreams given by God, and even though they were able to interpret the dreams, under the influence of hatred they try to destroy what God gave to Joseph in the dreams. They contemplated killing Joseph stating ‘let us slay him, and cast him into some pit, and we will say, Some evil beast hath devoured him: and we shall see what will become of his dreams.’
I want you to understand that these men knew what God desired and they decided to kill Joseph anyway. The more that you concentrate on Joseph’s brothers, the better equipped you are in order to really have a change of heart regarding your husband.” Sister Kelly stops in the middle of the room.
“If you have any hatred in you, Joseph’s brothers are some really nice verses to meditate on. Nonetheless, instead of meditating on the prior vengeance verses you begin to concentrate on Joseph and his brothers. And these scriptures are the scriptures that you should really be focusing on.
Too many times, when I tell someone to go to the bible for a word from God, they find a key verse and push it around in their mind and onto their current situation. But you need revelation knowledge from God regarding which scriptures you should be concentrating on. That is why you need to be constantly reading the bible. The bible provides so many examples for us. I wanted to stress this concept especially since we are talking about secrets for success in your marriage. Don’t spend time using a blanket scripture, and trying to make it a cure all. Instead take the scriptures to another level and allow God to really transform your heart.
Okay now let me go back to what I was saying, once you have changed and become a better person then you can bring it up to your husband again. You can bring it up again if you like, because you are not upset and you will be able to say whatever you are trying to say in love and respect.
I should also say that you should be wise when you do bring it up, make sure the setting is an appropriate one. If your husband does not get it, that's okay, don't argue, just let him know how you feel again and then leave it alone. I know you will not like this, but you should only explain it once. Of course, if he asks questions answer him. Nevertheless, this is not the time for you to ram it down his throat and wonder why he chokes or why it starts another fight, instead leave it alone. Bring it to God, asking God to open his eyes, change his heart, and protect you and the family. If when you really pray you still feel the need to bring it up again, bring it up once more. If it is still nagging you then go nag God about it, and make sure that at this time you also speak to God about changing your heart or giving you peace.
Remember ladies, when you are upset you are tearing your body down. I know that it seems common that we woman hold stress and that it is normal, but it is not. We should never hold the burden. Too many of us do this and call it being strong, saying ‘I am a strong successful woman so I can handle it.’ I don’t care if you’re the countries top leader, and a body builder, you still should not hold the burden. That is what cancer, ulcers and tumors are all about—internal stress outbreaks. Not that this is the only way to get these ailments or that these are the only ones you can get, because stress is also a factor in hair loss. I am saying that stress is not your friend or co-worker. Get it out of your life.” Sister Kelly smiles and adds, “What I am saying does not mean you should get a divorce, claiming he is causing you stress so you should leave him. It does mean that you need to give the things small and great to God, or better yet, give them to Jesus, he is your ultimate man.
Alright now let’s bring the understanding into revelation knowledge. Another reason why you listen to your husband--not your man, but your husband, is because we are under a curse to be under the rulership of our husbands. Remember the verse you read aloud. So it is futile to fight it, this curse is not a happy curse, it is a punishment. Eve persuaded her husband to sin against God and honestly, that is just what most to all women do. We lead our husbands the way we feel they should go. However, what we feel may not be what God wants. Yes, you might be right.”
Sister Kelly smiles and restate it again, “We usually are right, but that does not mean that is what God wants. Therefore, instead of sulking over being right or wrong remember that, we women are all on punishment. And it does not matter if you are the best woman or not. You are on punishment as well. If you can keep this in mind, you will be able to make better choices.
Nonetheless, we all know that men are, by no means, always under the influence of God, and that is putting it nicely." Someone blurted out, "yeah, they can be primal and pretty stupid." Sister Kelly just smiles at the remark. "This is one of the main reasons why it is important that you make the right person your husband. You are putting yourself under him. And any woman who is married to a fool knows the regret she feels over her choice and more importantly his many choices.
Now, because we know that men are not always where they need to be, we always feel the need to tell them how they can do this or do that. But even when they are wrong it is still not our job to correct them. Now I know that this might sound strange but this is where unneeded stress is put on us. It is Gods job to correct his child. Please let God do it. Remember this--actually, I want you to write this down. ‘A praying woman is a valuable and wise woman.’ When you pray, you are doing so much. You are releasing the stress, frustration and confusion you are feeling, naturally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You are able to release and releasing is what we need, so that we can go back to what we really want—to receive!
This is off the subject but, everyone here needs to be a praying woman, and we will need to continue on our lessons in prayer, because prayer is an intimate connection that no woman should live without.
Now, if we have a problem with something our husband is doing, by going to the scriptures we are allowing ourselves time to grow. This is so important! Let me tell you another reason why it is vastly important. If you just concentrate on changing him then you are wasting your time, even though you may feel as if you are building him up to perfection. Your time and energy is a lot of time wasted on someone who for the most part refuses to change. Therefore, use that time and energy to perfect yourselves. That way no matter what happens you will always be changing toward perfection." Sister Kelly stands back up.
"In this day and age, many women are being left by their partners. These same men are now so much better because their woman has spent so much time perfecting them. Now, while the woman is perfecting the husband, that man is not doing the same. Instead, he is sculpting his wife to be bent toward his own needs, wants and desires, just like the Garden of Eden. He has cultivated her as God said; therefore, he feels no remorse for leaving her in this position. So the husband is a better man and the wife ends up not only hurt and bitter, but she is also bent toward this specific mans whims, wants will and desires. That is why so many women become stalkers. They are so use to being interwoven with him that she cannot seem to stop. Therefore, her actions and feelings belong to him leading to more frustration and infuriates her, usually leading to more disaster.
Now if she is concentrating on changing herself for the better and allowing God to take the time to perfect him, no matter what happens, she is a gem worth finding and keeping. Does that make sense to everyone? It is wise to be a praying, bible reading and scripture-quoting woman. As you can see, there are several advantages."
Sister Kelly lifts up both of her hands and her palms are facing the audience. "My right hand will represent the husband and my left will be you." Whenever there is a problem you turn and face him ready to deal with the situation or better put, ready to help him understand your better point of view." Sister Kelly turns her left hand so that her left palm is facing the side of the right hand. The right palm is still facing the audience. She starts to move her left hand mocking a woman yelling. "When you go to Scripture, you place a mirror between you and him, which moves him out of the picture and allows you to examine yourself like a mirror." Sister Kelly put her right hand down and picks up the bible.
"This is an opportune time for you to allow for any needed changes to take place. When you go to the word when you are upset you will look more vigorously. This can help make your examination of yourself even more personal. It can also help to remove any weakness that you have. As long as you are concentrating on him, the less time is spent on bettering yourself." Sister Kelly pauses as her eyes browse the room studying their faces to make sure they all understand.
"Earlier I spoke about God being our biological parent. In my day, anyone could discipline a child that is acting up, but ultimately it was the responsibility of the parent, to lead the child in the way that they will grow. Although society norms have changed on discipline, the concept of learning is still there. We need to remember that God really can take care of his children. He really does not need our nagging help. So give your husband to him, and make sure that you are putting yourself under his parental rule as well."
Looking around Sister Kelly's face turned into a slight frown. "I know that this is a bit off of the point, but I just have to say it. Women, you need to make sure that you are raising your children right. If you have a daughter, she needs to understand the things I am telling you. However, if you have little boys you need to make sure that they are taking on the leadership role to be the husbands, fathers and men of God they are called to be. God is doing his part, but the parents that God has graciously allowed his children to stay with, or should I say, have temporary custody of, are not always doing their part.
Women if you have a male child you need to make sure you are not babying him. Allow them to spend quality time with their fathers. I know that you may lose a heartbeat when you see how your husband plays with your son, but you must remember your baby boy is a growing miniature man. At age 13, a Jewish boy is confirmed a man, 12 for girls. That does not mean he is treated like a baby and then it stops the day he turns 13. If that did happen, that would be setting him up to not prosper and could hinder and bend him toward failure.
Do not baby your sons and then let them out expecting them to be a man. Train them to be a man from the start. And this does not mean they should be their fathers or the man and husband you want their father to be. Please remember that your son is a separate man-child, from God. He has his own special needs that need to be groomed in order for him to flourish.
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